Discover more from Letters From A Bad Mother
Congratulations on your graduation. I found out about it by googling your trans name (Quill) and running across the UU Church’s video of your ceremony.
No, your father didn’t tell me anything about it. And with you going no contact you wouldn’t have told me either, of course.
I had moved back here hoping to be near you, but now it seems you want to move to Colorado. The house doesn’t seem to be up for sale, so I’m going to guess this is just you, not your dad necessarily? Anyway, if he moved west, I imagine he and Crys would go to California. She seems to be homesick.
I have all sorts of feelings about this, but I already spent only one sentence congratulating you, and then turned it right back around on me, because I’m such a class act. Not.
I will say these things to you, and then I’ll be done for now, though I will still write things here for you from time to time.
One: My completely unsolicited advice to you is to make your early career much more about art and much less about “queer.” You are young, your ideals and beliefs are still forming, and I have a feeling that at some point you’re going to feel a lot differently about the “queer” movement than you do now. You won’t necessarily hate it, but maybe you’ll feel less, I don’t know, enlisted in it? I went through a similar phase with Neopaganism, is what I’m saying, and these days I just kind of feel stupid that I put so much energy into it, because the movement as it is doesn’t fit me after all. Art is a lot more general subject than the “queer” movement is. You’ll find many more possible avenues to “fit” there.
I don’t know if that makes any sense. But we’ll leave it there, and you can come back and read it later and see if you understand it better. I won’t mind.
Two: I may be resolving my homelessness situation soon. I want you to know something. I will always make some kind of space for you. Even if it is keeping a folding bed in the closet until I can make better arrangements. If you EVER find yourself in a bad way and need to crash, PLEASE contact me. We can just agree to disagree about the gender identity thing. If you really are “non-binary,” if that really is a thing (if it is a thing, I don’t believe it’s shaped the way you think it is — something else you may have to come back and read again when you’re a bit older, it’ll make more sense then), then you won’t stop being non-binary just because I she/her you. Really. Promise. What’s more interesting to me is that you always have a safe place to go.
Please please please please PLEASE do not use a significant other as a way to be housed, to get to work, or any of it. Yes, two people in a relationship should be able to rely on one another but it should be an interdependence of two self-sustaining people. If you are not at the point yet where you can be self-sustaining, you shouldn’t be leaning on strangers. They will fail you. Every time.
I mean, look what happened to me.
Family can fail you too. My family’s proven that lots of times. But I would like to not fail you. So I am here. Even if I am your very last resort, I am here.
I think that you are resourceful, though, in a way that I was not at your age. I think that if the stars line up right, you will probably be okay. I say that because not everything that happens to us is because of what we did. Bad luck is a thing. But if it’s up to you? Oh yeah. You’ll slay ‘em.
I just got a job in Dublin in the beginning of April. I will actually start my training class, hence the job, on May 8. I’m in the process of finding housing now, and have support from a charitable organization to do so. I suppose that’s me leaning on strangers, but at least they’re trained and it’s their job to do what they do. It’s not a boyfriend who will only tolerate me around as long as he can get what he wants out of me. It’s a nice change.
Point is, I’m not going to try to follow you. I would be no good to you if I tore everything down right now to pursue something you don’t want right now anyway, in a place I’ve never lived which is completely unfamiliar. I wish I could see you before you leave, but that’s probably not going to happen. But if you ever need me, I will be here. Just say the word. Forget what I said in that last email if you’re in a crisis. Some things are more important.
I love you.
P.S. This is a long shot, but let me know if you ever legally change your name, and I’ll start addressing you by it here, and in general. I’m not kissing your butt, just practically speaking it’ll be your real name at that point. I know I’m weird. Just roll with it, okay?